After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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