Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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