DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
