everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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