somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
