...so i touched it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
