I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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