I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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