no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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