Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
