I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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