hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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