I met the friendliest cop last night
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
