i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
