oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize