I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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