I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
