did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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