based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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