remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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