I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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