i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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