Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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