it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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