he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
