Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
