After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
