I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
