i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
