The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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