Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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