you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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