Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
