i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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