Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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