strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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