I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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