we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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