i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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