I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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