in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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