I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
