I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
