his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize