Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
