look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
