I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize