I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
