I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
