I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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