Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
