I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we made out on top of his cat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
