Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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