I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
