the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
