my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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