I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Less talking, more tequila
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
