I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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